The emphasis on on the anti-drug campaigns in my childhood gave a skewed impression of how my grade school years would play out. The commercials, school assemblies, and police guest speakers made it seem like there’d come a time when I’d be offered drugs on the daily. I braced myself. I’d be ready. And when that time came, I’d throw away all social anxiety and courageously stand up to any and all peer pressure and give my dramatically rehearsed “It’s hot to not!” like the Red-Ribboned Hero that I am. Crowds would cheer, I’d be hoisted up on shoulders and paraded around the wild and crazy party that I was surely invited to, and zero people would laugh at me.
And just so you can picture in your mind the hardcore, drug-target that I was, here is a photo of me at age 15 at a summer church girls camp reading first-aid treatments to a group of 12-year olds. Note the braces and the Dr. Seuss “Read Across America” shirt. You can tell from this photo that the hobbies and crowd I ran with were sure to find me in some back alley with some shady people.
But soon High School was over, college flew by and not a single one of my friends, family, or acquaintances presented such an opportunity. I guess none of the drug users in my path wanted me to ruin my life or whatever.
I’m now 31. My husband also has never been offered drugs. In fact, you wouldn’t believe the lengths we went to to finally be offered drugs for the first time. But now that we know how to do it, here is a tutorial on how it’s done:
Step 1: Learn Spanish. (Like a year of Duolingo will do.)
Step 2: Travel a thousand miles to a different country
Step 3: Rent a car and drive hours down a remote road through the jungle and pick up a kindly hitchhiker.
Step 4: Get him talking about his life. Ask him about his family and work.
And then, my friends, the opportunity presents itself.
Hitchhiker: “Yeah, so I pick up my load from the guys out on the boats and I sell it on the beach. I’ve got the good stuff. You guys want any? I could offer you a good price for giving me a ride.”
This was it. We are finally here. The chance we’d been waiting for. Now was our moment. I’ll spare you the drawn-out anticipation of our response and just let the drama play itself out.
Us:”Nah, we’re good, but thanks man!”
There you have it! Now, go be the hero you were meant to be. And remember, “Just say no!”
Note: Through beta testing, we have discovered that not all hitchhikers will offer you drugs. There is no guarantee the above formula will produce similar results. This blog and its affiliates are in no way liable for any unsatisfactory results.